Ramblings and Reflections

Just In Case There Was Ever Any Question

It takes a bold man to post the lyrics to a Michael Bolton song on his blog..........

......I am such a man!

Song Lyric Thursday

The other day Sweetie posted on her blog a story about a reunion concert that her and old friends are going to go to at Merriweather Post Pavillion outside of Baltimore, MD.  This got me thinking of concerts I had seen over the years at that venue. While I cannot add up the number of shows I saw there, one comes to mind specifically but for completely illogical reasons.

It was the summer of 1991 and I was sitting around my house not doing much of anything when the phone ran and it was my old pal Stubby. He had tickets to a show that night at Merriweather and his date for the night bailed out on him (it you know Stubby or have read any of my old posts you would know that this was a regular scenario for Stubby). Having absolutely nothing to do that night I quickly agreed and off we went.

When we got there I realize that we were a part of a block of 6 seats and the other attendees were Stubby's boss and his wife and a co-worker and his wife. It took me only a minute to realize that I was Stubby's "date" at a Kenny G/Michael Bolton concert. Oh what great joy!

In was halfway through the Bolton set when Stubby's boss leaned over to me and him and asked "if the bass line was making our testicles thump like his were". I hadn't though about it prior to that but the combination of the bass line and the bass drum echoing in the ampitheater (we were in the 4th or 5th row) was causing a tremendous pulsating feeling.

Pulsing testicles - the only good thing that came out of that evening.

So here's my lyrics for this week; a little Michael Bolton......

So you say that you can't go on
Love left you cryin'
And you say all your hope is gone
And what's the use in tryin'
What you need is to have some faith
Shake off those sad blues
Get yourself a new view

Oh, nothing is a sad as it seems, you know
'Cause someday you'll laugh at the heartache
Someday, you'll laugh at the pain
Somehow you'll get through the heartache
Somehow you can get through the rain


CHORUS:
When love puts you through the fire
When love puts you through the test
Nothing cures a broken heart
Like time, love and tenderness
When you think your world is over
Baby just remember this
Nothing heals a broken heart
Like time, love and tenderness
Time, love and tenderness


I understand how you're feeling now
And what you've been through
But your world's gonna turn around
So baby don't you be blue
All it takes is a little time
To make it better
The hurt won't last forever


Oh, all the tears are gonna dry you know
'Cause someday you'll laugh at the heartache
Someday you'll laugh at the pain
You may be down on your luck
But baby that old lucks gonna change


CHORUS:


Baby, oh baby you just need some
You just need some
Time, love and tenderness


Time, love and tenderness
The hurt ain't gonna last forever
Time, love and tenderness
Time, love and tenderness

Following In My Footsteps

In addition to being a rising hockey goalie, Umdalum Jr. is an aspiring musician. He's playing electric and bass guitar (under the tutelage of his father) as well as playing trombone in the school band and cello in the orchestra.

A few weeks ago, he participated in an educational "field trip" where he got to go to the local high school and participate in a program called Electrify Your Strings. This program is a product of a talented musician named Mark Wood. Mark is the lead violinist and string arranger for the Trans-Siberian Orchestra and he worked with the kids all day and then they had a concert that evening.

What an incredible event; Umdalum Jr. played Strings Will Rock You, a variation on We Will Rock You, and a couple other songs that had a significant edge to them. The older kids (high schoolers) played Purple Haze, Stairway to Heaven and Eleanor Rigby and others. Being an old (former) long haired rock and roller, I enjoyed this event very much and was blown away by the talent and originality of Mark Wood.

My biggest problem now is that I don't think we'll ever be able to get Umdalum Jr. to cut his hair now.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DR. Phil: The problem we have here is that the chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: The  chicken crossed the because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a certain standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not be told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain side. That's why they call it the "other side". Yes my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side". that chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.  Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. this new platform is much more stable and will never cra... #@&&^(C .. ... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chicken's white? We need some black chickens.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

I Read More Than the Sports Page

A recent US News and World Report article listed six things not to buy used. While this article focused on electronic devices, it got me thinking of things in general that it is not wise to purchase used. I'll start the list and y'all join in:

Umdalum's List of Things Not to Buy Used

1. Condoms

2. Underwear

3. Chapstick

4. Deodorant

5. Pregnancy Kits

Just Another Day

I had just finished up with an interview candidate this morning and was escorting him out of the facility when another candidate was checking in at the front desk. This gentleman was from a temp agency and was coming in to interview with our human resource manager for a temp position.

I scurried back upstairs so I would catch the HR manager before she left her office to meet her candidate. I stalled her for a few minutes under the guise of debriefing her on my candidate. When she exclaimed that she needed to run because she had a candidate in the lobby, I said to her "oh yeah, I saw him walk in, he's quite a looker". This got her attention and after a few less than politically correct remarks, she hurried down to pickup her "beefcake" candidate.

Imagine her surprise when she met someone who closely resembled this:

  My work is done here.....

It's A Song Lyric Thursday Two-Fer

Here's another song that I think of this time of year - remember kiddies, it's not easy being green!

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Song Lyric Thursday

Oh how so much can change in a couple of weeks - last time I posted for Song Lyric Thursday I had shared with you that I hadn't had a drink in quite some time. Well then comes along St. Patrick's Day and the whole operation gets blown to hell. I went to a quaint little pub across the street where I once again managed to win drinks from friends and bar acquaintances as the band played a particular song. They bet me I didn't know all the lyrics and as I have done repeatedly over the years, proved them wrong. So in honor of that, I give you my song of the week which has been keeping me in free drinks for many, many years.

Maestro,  a little R.E.M if you please........

That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane,
Lenny Bruce is not afraid
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn - world
Serves its own needs, dont misserve your own needs. Feed
It off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength,turn, ladder
Start to clatter with fear fight down height. Wire
In a fire, representing seven games, in a government
For hire and a combat site. Left of west and coming in
A hurry with the furies breathing down your neck. Team
By team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped
Look at that low playing! Fine, then. Uh oh,
Overflow, population, common food, but it'll do. Save
Yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs,
Listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and
The revered and the right, right. You vitriolic,
Patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty
Psyched

It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine

Six o'clock - TV hour. Don't get caught in foreign
Towers. Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself
Churn. Locking in, uniforming,and book burning, blood
Letting. Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate
Light a candle, light a motive. Step down, step down
Watch your heel crush, crushed, uh-oh, this means no
Fear cavalier. Renegade steer clear! A tournament,
a Tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions,
Offer me alternatives and I decline

(chorus)
It's the end of the world as we know it (it's time I had some time alone)
It's the end of the world as we know it (it's time I had some time alone)
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (it's time I had some
time alone)

I feel fine

(repeat chorus)

The other night I dreamt of knives, continental
Drift divide. Mountains sit in a line, Leonard
Bernstein. Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester
Bangs. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You
Symbiotic, patriotic, slam book neck, right? Right

(repeat chorus)

It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (it's time I had some
time alone)

(repeat chorus 2x)

Fine
It's the end of the world as we know it (it's time I had some time alone)
 

It's Nice To Be Recognized....

I just received my annual bonus paperwork. This is the paperwork that accompanies the check and outlines why you get the amount you get and how it is calculated.

This year I received additional bonus money due to "no lawsuits" and "no fatalities" occurring on my watch.

God I love my job!

Titles For My Book

Uncle Keith brought to my attention that our old acquaintance Jackass has had a book published. It's pretty much a trivia book for old "B" movies which is probably right up his alley considering he could never keep a job and probably to this day sits around on his ass watching TV all day.

Given this new data, I have decided that the day to begin writing my own book is upon us; something with some fucking meat behind it, something that the reader doesn't want to put down. Yes, I'm talking autobiography and development will commence immediately. In fact, I'm going to write two of them just so I can have one more book published than Jackass has.

Here they are; look for them at a bookstore near you:

• A Fifth of Whiskey, A Fistful of Downers - A Gut-Wrenching Tale of Corporate Burnout and Suicidal Tendencies
• Chicks, Dicks, and Swizzle Sticks - In a stunning prequel to A Fifth of Whiskey, A Fistful of Downers, Umdalum takes us down a dark path where many fear to tread and paints a disturbing portrait of the road that led him from Southern Maryland to South Carolina. He documents every failed relationship, every failed attempt at getting laid, every failed attempt at success, and every failure in general - the irony being that this debacle did not fail to get published.

Some comments from initial readers of "Swizzle Sticks" are:

"Umdalum provides a penetrating look into Southern Maryland college life in the decade of decadence. It seems that he tried anything... and usually failed." - Masters & Johnson

"Made me blush." - Alfred Kinsey

"Brings new meaning to the word debauchery." - Terry Smith

"Answers a lot of questions that were perhaps best left unsolved." - Uncle Keith

"Goin' a million miles an hour, headed out to where the down boys go." - C. Emmitt Woodey